Unforgiveness
As I sat before the Lord today praying, the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, "Unforgiveness is paralyzing my people." I could feel a pain deep in my heart that urged me to pray. I began to feel the Love of God for His people, longing to set them free from this poison. The tears I was trying to hold back suddenly rushed down my cheeks as I remembered when I too was so oppressed because of the unforgiveness I carried in my heart against another individual.
We have all dealt with hurt and offense by others, but there was a situation I once faced that literally crippled me inside. The hurt I felt was far worse than any pain I had ever experienced in my life, including losing both of my parents to cancer. Boy, do I remember this time in my life, oh so well. I was brokenhearted beyond words. I prayed that I would die because I couldn't bare the pain I felt inside. With every breath I took, I would physically feel pain shoot down my chest right into my heart. It was during this time of hurt that I was holding unforgiveness. In fact what I felt was more like a bitter rage. Yes, I was a born again Christian-- even a minister at the time. I didn't want to forgive this person. There was NO WAY I could let this person off the hook for what they did to me.
After several months of carrying this bitterness in my heart, a good friend of mine had come in town for a wedding. Aware of the situation I was dealing with, he pulled me aside to console me. At the end of the conversation he said, "You know you have to forgive her don't you?" Those were word that I just didn't want to hear. Of course I knew I had to forgive, but it seemed like an impossible task. Even if I wanted to (and I didn't) I had no clue how to do that. I got back in my car angry at his words and started chatting with the Lord about this thing called "FORGIVENESS."
Let me tell you something about me, I'm a transparent person. I don't pretend with people and I never pretend with God. After all He knows the truth anyway, so whats the point? Neither am I a bitter person. I am typically a soft hearted, forgiving person. So me feeling and acting this way was out of character for me.
I sat in my car feeling hurt and dirty before the Lord. I was filled with pride as I rehearsed the events that led to this pain in my heart. I despised the thought of forgiving her. Towards the end of my complaint filled chat with the Lord I said, "Lord, I don't want to forgive her. I don't! But, I want to please you more than I want to hate her. So I need you to help me."
God heard my pain filled prayer. A few days later, I was rummaging through some of my dad's old things and stumbled across a book by R.T. Kendall entitled, "TOTAL FORGIVENESS" That book put me on the journey I needed.
To make a long story short, a few months after I prayed that prayer and made the decision to move towards forgiveness. I went on a fast with my church for 21 days. My prayer was,"....Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Ps: 51:10. For the first 20 days of my 21 day fast I couldn't feel anything, in fact because I was hungry (lol) I was even more edgy and angry. I had made a decision that if something didn't change within my heart by the end of the fast, I was going to leave my church that I loved so much because I just couldn't bare seeing this person.
On the 21st and last day of my fast I was in church and noticed a peace that I hadn't had before. Service ended and I headed into the lobby, I looked to my right and there she was. I walked straight over to her (without thinking) and embraced her and told her that I forgave her. Not only that, I told her that my prayer was that she would never have to experience the kind of hurt I experienced and that I didn't want her to reap what she had sown in my life.
This young woman broke down in tears as I held her in my arms. "What had I done?" This wasn't premeditated. When did the hatred disappear? This experience for me was so supernatural that afterwards I sat on the back chair of the pew and just wept. I felt Gods love overtaking my body in a way that I had never experienced before. It was at that very moment of opening up my wounded heart and displaying Gods love that I began to experience the presence of the Lord in my life in a new and profound way. It was during that moment of humbling myself that I felt most acquainted with God. The pain I felt inside began to subside and I finally started to heal. Bitterness was no longer there to hold the hurt in my heart.
Much of unforgiveness is due to pride! Sometimes we are just thinking so highly of ourselves that we will not let someone else off the hook. Other times it is due to extreme hurt. In my case it was a combination of both pride and hurt. Something inside of me said that by forgiving her I was letting her get away with what she did without any punishment. Regardless of what it is, God says that we must forgive. That's not a request, but a command.
As you read this, I pray that you would allow the Holy Spirit to reveal to you where you might be holding unforgiveness in your heart (even if it's unforgiveness towards the Lord or even yourself). I encourage you to make a decision to forgive. Your emotions may not want to, but that doesn't matter. You must make the decision to forgive out of obedience to Gods Word.
Matthew 5:44 - But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,
Matthew 6:14 - For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
Mark 11:25 - And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.
Romans 12:20 - On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him, if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.
Luke 6:35 - But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.
Luke 6:36 - Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
Luke 6:37 - "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned.
Luke 6:38 - Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."
Proverb 20:22 - Do not say, "I'll pay you back for this wrong!" Wait for the Lord, and he will deliver you.