Surrender
I had a visit from an old familiar friend...His name is depression. He reminded me that I was a failure and that there was no one who cared enough to rescue me. I was reminded of the abandonment I felt when I lost both of my parents; the deep pain from being betrayed. The hurt I felt when my closet friends talked about me and turned their back on me. I was sinking fast in my despair and could feel how weak the foundation was that I had built beneath me. I replayed all the rejection and felt satisfied; I didn't deserve to be loved and accepted the thought that I was a terrible person. I was smart enough to know they were lies but I chose to believe them at that moment.
I read an article last week that said this, "I didn't feel like letting go, I didn't really want to give everything to God. I still wanted control." When I read this, it jumped out at me like I was reading it from a billboard. God was speaking to me and I knew it.
God desires for you and me to surrender fully. People have failed us and guess what, we have failed them too.
I thought to myself, "How long am I going to look for an external source to fulfill what only God can fulfill?" I had put my husband in that spot, my children, my business, my music, my church, my friends.... I had exalted everything but God. I was looking for an external piece to fill an internal void. Nothing was ever big enough or good enough. I began expecting too much from people around me. I wanted them to rescue me from the internal struggle but they failed every time.
I wasn't willing to surrender my whole heart to God. I gave him only a part. I wanted to maintain control because I guess I didn't trust Him with my entire life.
It's interesting how being at a low point in your life can make you do self-inventory. I have been trying to fix myself for years with lots of useless remedies and band aides. I never really dealt with the true problem; my true issue wasn't all the pain, hurt and disappointment, the real problem was that I didn't want to fully surrender to God. I didn't want him to have true Lordship. I didn't want to give up control.
I was looking for praise, accolades and approval from people to feel like I was a good person or worthy of love. Everything that I knew God wanted to give me I rejected, until now...
Today is a new day. I have surrendered completely and as a result I now have unexplained inner peace. I have forgiven myself of all my short comings and failures and know that the Lord has forgiven me too. Today I have apprehended my identity; I am beautiful, inside and out because I was made in the image of God. I am loved by the creator of love. I am satisfied with the Lord alone.
Giving up control feels good. Relaxing in the arms of Jesus is invigorating. My hope and confidence is in God. I pray that today you surrender yourself fully to the Lord. Give Him everything, let go of all the pain, frustration, and anger. Forgive yourself and others. Stop keeping a record of all the wrongs done to you. Don't look back, step into a new reality and apprehend right now the supremacy of God. SURRENDER COMPLETELY!
Psalms 63 expresses my heart today.
You are my God. I worship you. In my heart, I long for you, as I would long for a stream in a scorching desert. I have seen your power and your glory in the place of worship. Your love means more than life to me, and I praise you. As long as I live, I will pray to you. I will sing joyful praises and be filled with excitement like a guest at a banquet. I think about you before I go to sleep, and my thoughts turn to you during the night. You have helped me, and I sing happy songs in the shadow of your wings. I stay close to you, and your powerful arm supports me.